Fighting the War
by BwaBwaimagoat
Summary: ... against angst, one small fic at a time. T for possible profanity and violence? Ch. 5: It's a Catapocolypse people! This is what is in store for the future of mankind!
1. Watermelon Bebe

A/N: Ta-dah! I was bored and thought 'Hey, why not put some more crap up?' Because hey, I don't think I've done a very good job of ruining fanfiction for people. So here you go. The first whatever I feel like calling this. I got tired of making new things for random one-shots so I decided to throw them all in one place. It's just as the discriptions says people. Enjoy!

Warning: Epic failure on everyones part.

It seriously isn't what you think, just keep reading until the end.

Title- Watermelon Baby

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><p>It was a warm sunny day, with birds singing merrily and every now and then a pleasant breeze would pass over. That same breeze occasionally pulled at the pages of Arthur's book as he sipped his tea and read on his porch, soaking up the sun (and most likely burning at the same time).<p>

So absorbed with his book he almost missed the sound of his phone going off next to his with some silly pop song that everyone was listening to recently. It was with no doubt Alfred's work.

He briefly considered ignoring it and continue reading his book but figured he might as well get this next conversation over with to save what little sanity he had left.

Flipping the phone open, he answered with a terse, "Hello."

"Arthur! Oh my god Arthur, please tell me you're home!" Alfred shriller than usual voice shouted from the device, making the older teen wince.

"Why yes Alfred, I do believe I am home. Why do you ask?" He asked only half listening as he flipped lazily through his book.

"Good, good. That's good, yeah, just stay there okay!" Arthur didn't have the chance to answer as Alfred hung up almost immediately.

Releasing a heavy and regretful sigh, he stood and gathered up his belongings to move inside to wait for his boyfriend. He might as well make a new pot of tea while he was at it.

It was just as he was just about to sit down to enjoy his fresh cup of tea when his front door slammed open, startling him.

He was still standing there, silently fuming, when Alfred clomped inside. He was frantic and sloppier than usual, with his clothes thrown on as if in a hurry, his hair sticking out in all directions and his glasses sitting on his face crooked in front of his eyes.

"Arthur! Artie, where you at? I need to tell you somethin' important!" The American wailed as he found him and dragged him into a rib-crushing hug.

"Whatever it is Alfred, I'm sure it can wait until I have changed my trousers." Arthur grumbled pushing the other teen away and began walking away.

Alfred grabbed a hold of him from behind once more. "But Arthur!"

"But nothing. It will only be a moment, I'm covered in Earl Grey." He interrupted and led Alfred to the sofa to have a seat. Patting his hand reassuringly, Arthur went to change his soiled trousers.

When he came back a few minutes later, Alfred was calmer but he still looked panicked.

"Now tell me, love. What's troubling you? Did your brother yell at you again, because you know I won't laugh to much if you cry." Arthur sat next to the other teen and held his hand as a silent support.

Alfred's lower lip trembled while his blue eyes watered, and for a moment, Arthur thought that he assumed correctly. That is until Alfred wailed, "I'm pregnated!" and collapsed into the English teen's lap with loud hiccupping sobs.

Dumbfounded, Arthur watched him sob, fully expecting him to spring up and cry, "Just kidding!" After a few moments full of dramatic sobs and confused stares he realized that Alfred wasn't in fact joking. "Alfred, that's not possible in any way. I haven't topped since god knows when and-"

Alfred sat up and glared at his boyfriend. "No you stupid! I swallowed a watermelon seed! God, I though you knew this stuff, Art."

If Alfred didn't look so serious, okay so even if he did, Arthur would laugh. Which is exactly what he did.

"Oh Alfred, you silly thing you. If you weren't so cute, I'd punch you!" Arthur cooed happily as he hugged the other teen and kissed his cheeks adoringly.

"There's nothin' funny about this Art! I don't want to give birth! That's your job!" Arthur went eerily silent and glared at Alfred, just barely holding himself back from giving him a piece of his mind.

With a heavy sigh, Arthur grabbed a hold of Alfred's face and forced him to look into his green eyes, his expression completely serious. "Alfred, I will only say this once. Men con not become pregnant." He glared as the American opened his mouth to disagree, silencing him effectively." And nobody can become pregnant from swallowing some watermelon seeds."

They stared at each other, both silent. The only sound in the entire house was the fan going in the corner and their quiet breathing.

"So I'm not gonna have to give birth or have a Caesar Section like Matthew said I would?" Alfred asked, just a bit doubtful of what the other was saying to him.

"No Alfred, it's physically impossible… Shouldn't you know all of this already by now?" Arthur glared at him skeptically, as if he couldn't believe his boyfriend really didn't know anything.

Alfred scratched the back of his head sheepishly, and avoided looking into his eyes. His cheeks flushed a dark red in embarrassment.

"I missed that class. Plus, it's what my parents and Mattie told me!" Alfred smiled happily and pulled Arthur close. "I think it woulda been fun anyways!"

"No Alfred, it would not have been and speak right before I punch you in the mouth!" Arthur shouted, yanking on his boyfriend ridiculously silky hair and glared harder.

Alfred just laughed and proceeded to kiss him.

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><p>Nine months later, Peter was born.<p>

A/N: Just kidding, he didn't actually have a baby! I actually wrote this during our Rape class that we had this year... Some people actually think they can get pregnant this way. See what school can teacha person? So tell me what you think?

~I like my coffee delicious, thank you!


	2. Hey Canadia

A/N: So I had actually planned to update a ton of shit earlier, but then my cousin was in a car accident thus I've been up in Erie playing at the hospital when I'm not at work! Let's all wish him luck everyone cause he's going to be down for at least five months. Wonderful right? So I'm going to type up all the shit I hand-wrote and put it up eventually. Enjoy!

Warnings: Violence, profanity… Stuff…

I own nothing but my pokadot socks!

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><p>Nobody had any clue of the tragedy that was about to occur. How could they, it had been a normal, boring old day. The only thing they had to look forward to was the lack of a certain American from the day's meeting. They had received no warnings, nothing that could have spared any of them. Not that they could have done anything to stop it even if they had had their warning.<p>

Only one person, one small but giant country knew of the horrors the day would hold for them all. Only one Matthew Williams, or Canada, knew of the coming events.

He had been late to the meeting. While usually he would be extremely distressed over this fact, he found that he couldn't care at the given moment (1). It's not like they would have noticed him anyways.

So as he stood outside of the door to the room he took a deep breath to steady himself and slammed the door open in a similar fashion mostly associated with his brother.

All of the gathered nations look up to find the heavily armed Canadian pointing an old Tommy gun at them. (2) "This is for always forgetting about me!" He shrieked as he let loose and began blowing them all away just as someone asked exactly who he was. "I. Am. CANADA!"

After leveling everyone in the room and running out of ammunition he patted down his worn old red Flag hoodie and smoothed down his now mussed hair with a huff. He was sure they would all remember him now after they woke up in a few hours or maybe days. (3)

Just as he was leaving his cellphone began chiming a catchy tune telling him that his brother was calling. He knew it was his brother because he was the only one with Matthew's number, besides Arthur that is. But he didn't matter at the moment.

" Allo bonjour, America. Did you need something?" He asked as he held the device to his ear and regretted it a moment later as his brother obnoxiously loud laughter nearly cause him to go deaf.

"Hey Canadia~! Art wants ta know if you wanna come over for dinner tonight! Don't worry though, I'm the one cookin' cuz I know you know what his cookin' is like sometimes." America began laughing wildly again only to shriek as somebody, obviously England, started beating him with the sofa cushion he had been cleaning. (God forbid Al not get food on everything.)

"Sure Al, tell Arthur that I'd love to come over." Canada laughed, happy that he could at least count on his brother, and sometimes England to remember him. "I'll be over soon."

"Fantastic, it'll be lovely to see you again Matthew." Arthur said while the Canadian listened to the faint sound of his brother's over-dramatic sobs.

As he turned off his phone he noticed a few of the damaged nation waking only to be shot again. Yes, they were definitely going to remember him now.

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><p>(1)I like to think of Canada as one of those people that just get so nervous and flustered if he's late or just close to being late.<p>

(2)All I could imagine was Canada standing there in a huge ass red Canada hoodie and baggy pants, both are dirty, while whipping out some heavy artillery and laughing like a mad person while going Armageddon on their asses!

(3) In my head, nations can basically survive pretty much anything as long as they still have a territory of their own somewhere. Like a cockroach.

If I told you I came up with this while looking at a map that had a missing Canada would you believe me? I wasted fifteen minutes looking at that thing to figure out what that person meant when they said something was missing!

~I like my coffee delicious, thank you!


	3. Texts from Last Night

A/N: I like texts from last night… I may do more of these if nobody minds…

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

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><p>When Arthur Kirkland woke up that morning, the first thing he noticed was how very uncomfortable his pillow was. He knew for a fact that it wasn't nearly as stiff and lumpy the last time he used it.<p>

Second was his murderous hangover as the headache and nausea settled in to stay for the day as punishment for getting so very drunk last night.

Sitting up he beat at his pillow mercilessly in an attempt to fix the problem and vowed uselessly to himself that he was never going to drink again. He was just replying sarcastically back at himself with a, "That's what you said last time" when a chicken finger fell out of his pillowcase.

Staring at it wide-eyed with his bloodshot eyes, slack jawed and confused he picked it up and continued to stare at it in wonder.

"Arthur, you awake?" His boyfriend called cheerfully as he walked into the room holding a tray containing aspirin, a cup of cool refreshing water, and a plate of toast.

Arthur held up his chicken finger and stared at the man with furrowed brows and a frown. "Alfred, why the fuck did I just find this chicken finger in my pillowcase? How many times have I told you not to eat in bed?"

Alfred chuckled and set the tray on the bedside table. He sat on the edge of the bed bending close to kiss Arthur's cheek and take the chicken finger away from him.

"Silly Arthur, don't you remember? You got hungry last night so you made me bring you some food because you didn't want to get up." Alfred explained and handed him the aspirin with a cheerful smile Arthur wanted to rip off.

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><p>Ludwig was doing his last patrol of the evening when it happened.<p>

Gilbert, Ludwig's older bruder, and his two equally moronic friends ran past him. They had stripped out of their shirts, and in Francis' cases trousers as well, and were running through somebody's yard just as their sprinkler system decided to turn on.

They were belting out the lyrics, " We are strong! Noone can tell us we're wrong! Searchin' our hearts for so long! Both of us knowing! Love is a battlefield!" in garbled half-assed English slurs as they danced in the water raining on them.

As it was a common sight for Ludwig he paid their partial, and not so partial, nudity no mind as he handcuffed and stuffed them in the back of his car. He was sure they would appreciate him taking their drunk asses back to the station in the morning.

But if they didn't stop with their lousy singing he was going to kill somebody.

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><p>Tino's favourite pass-time was going to the bar and getting completely smashed. Once every week or two he would take out his old friends Alfred and Nickolai and they would drink the night away.<p>

It was during one of these nights full of booze that he finally found the man of his dreams. A giant mountain of a Swedish man that was willing to carry him like a princess. Yes, that was in fact his greatest fantasy.

As the man, Berwald, carried him through the bar of choice for that night he screamed to his friends, "Look guys! I finally found a giant man to carry me around like a princess!"

Too intoxicated themselves, they just wolf-whistled and cheered, or in Nickolai's case, politely clapped at a job well done.

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><p>AN: Terrible? Hate it? Do more? Did you spot any super obvious mistakes that I'm completely blind to? Just hit that little button under this and tell me what you think please? I really don't bite people! I'm way too shy for that!

~I like my coffee delicious, thank you!


	4. BeanieBaby Punishment

A/N: Woo! Two in one day~! Though they were already written. I just typed them into documents finally. Now I'm going to get some shut-eye before I have to get up for school.

Disclaimer: Not mine!

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><p><em>Growing up, my father had enjoyed using psychological torture to punish me. It drove me mad.<em>

_Here's an example._

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><p>When I was young, I had told my father, "Fuck off, I'm playing Super Nintendo!"<p>

My father, displeased with my French, began to formulate his devious little plot.

I had woken up the next morning thinking it to be just another normal day, only to roll over and come face to face with a frog beanie-baby sitting on my pillow. It scared the crap out of me. However, I had shrugged it off and got dressed for school.

Sitting down for breakfast, I had poured myself a bowl of cereal only for a small frog beanie-baby to fall out of my cereal box.

Confused out of my mind I had decided to skip breakfast and just go to school.

It's only when I'm almost there do I realise that my bag feels heavier than usual. Deciding that I wouldn't be late if I just checked I went through my backpack. In the middle pocket, I find about ten frogs. By then I am thoroughly terrified.

In class, I finished with my test early and decide to look out the window to daydream as I often do.

I find, sitting on the outside windowsill, a frog beanie-baby. Terrified out of my mind, I freak out in the middle of the class and when I try to show everyone the frog, it is gone. My teacher sent me to the hall for the rest of the day for being disruptive.

On my way home, I silently pray or it to be over already.

As I arrive home, I notice that all of the lights are off and the drapes are pulled, my house is pitch black.

Not bothering to worry about it, I walk to the kitchen intending to grab myself a snack and turn the light on. I find that my entire flipping kitchen is stuffed to the brim with frog beanie-babies.

I screamed, and I will admit that there was nothing manly about that scream, and turn around as somebody knocks heavily on my door. There, pressing his face against the door is a man in a frog suit.

It was then that I ran up the stairs to my room screaming like a girl. Locking the door behind me, I lean against it while nearly hyperventilating. That was when I spotted it.

Sitting in the middle of my room on the floor is a frog beanie-baby sitting on top of a piece of paper. Walking over, I pick up the frog and the note and read it. It says, "Open the door, son."

Terrified beyond reason, I open my door and the frogman walks over to me calm and quietly. Trembling fearfully, I say to him, "I know it's you, Dad."

He then says in a voice nothing at all like my father's, "It is not, Arthur."

I scream again, falling back onto my ass as he removes his mask. It's my cousin Bruce.

A moment later, my father walks into the house laughing like a moron. He's laughing so hard he's crying.

I had pissed myself I had been so terrified.

My father points at me, still laughing insanely, and says, "We don't say 'Fuck' in my house, boy. Now who's up for McDonald's?"

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><p><em>To this day, I still wonder, where the hell did you get all those fucking beanie-babies, Dad?<em>

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><p>AN: HAHAHAHA! Poor England. If you know what I based this off of I love you. Any glaring mistakes? Any comments? Hope you enjoyed!

~ I like my coffee delicious, thank you.


	5. Catapocolypse

A/N: So uh... Yeah. -shifty eyes- This was suppose to be really funny. It might have actually turned out kind of angsty at some parts. But I wrote it while I was working so~... Yeah I don't know, enjoy people.

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine!

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><p>It had been a lovely day. One of those cliché perfect days that nothing could go wrong on unless someone had the worst luck in the history of man. The ones with blue skies and sleepy, fluffy clouds that everyone dreamed they could sleep on. There were warm sunbeams, pleasant breezes, and gurgling brooks filled with tiny flashing fish traveling upstream in that mindless way that they do.<p>

It was on this day that perfectly cliché day that felines of every specie attacked, maiming humans male and female alike, destroying the old and sparing the young whom they enslaved. They forced children and tweens to make silly cat toys to please their feline masters and other such things that they enjoyed.

Slave camps were created almost immediately to house the enslaved children all around the world in every nation. Those who could work worked their fingers to the bone. Those who could not were eaten and disposed. Populations everywhere plummeted as the world quickly fell under feline reign.

Eventually, the feline specie began evolving to the point that they could stand on two paws and speak in human tongues. They'd rather not though as it was quite disgusting.

And the leaders that had organized this tragedy you ask? Why, they were none other than Japan and Greece. Noone had been all that surprised when they found the Asian nation behind this mess. Japan had been getting rather aggressive as of late and none could've had stopped him even if they had known. But Greece however, he was just in it for the cats and Japanese tush. Nobody blamed him. He was Greece after all.

As their feline minions took over the known world, they basked in luxury in their palace situated in the once upon a time place known as Turkey.

Sadly, Turkey had been one of the first to lose their life at the hands of feline army. They did blame Greece for that one, but as Turkey had been rather annoying, nobody could much care besides the fact that he had died in the first wave.

While they basked away, the Allies went underground. As the feline rule grew above them they slowly but surely built up their own army of hounds. Hounds that much like their kitty enemies evolved to that of walking on two paws and speaking. Sadly, they weren't nearly as intelligent as their feline counterparts. But what they lacked in smarts, they made up for in loyalty and training. Awesomely harsh and totally justified training that the Allies were sure could defeat Hostis forces. Soon they began deploying small groups of their Seditiosus brigades to capture small towns or reclusive hillbilly villages that had surprisingly been found and overthrown. They riled the humans and convinced them to stand up and fight back against the Hostis forces. They called the humans Homines.

Once Japan heard of these rebellions, he quickly dispatched his own forces to stomp them out and flush the ridiculous ideas of rebellion from the minds of his slaves. Sadly, it had not worked and the following war had finally come together.

The war had been brutal. Hostis, Seditiosus, and Homines forces clashed and torn each other apart, blood painted the battlefield red. Noone could see the end of it.

However, as everything does, it had eventually ended. England, assisted by his ever faithful America, had taken the finally leap. England struck down Japan in his own home in an epic and glorious battle of wits and reflexes. Slowly, the Japanese nation bled to death from the wound caused by his very own weapon.

In his last moments, he had been cradled in his Greek lover's arms. Their sort-of-friends surrounded them, all quiet in mourning as he spoke his last words. "Well it was 'purrfect' while it lasted. Aishiteru Herackles-kun." He died with a smile still on his face; admittedly it was a small one, but a smile none-the-less.

It was there that Greece wept for his lost love for one day and one night before he departed to the forest with the corpse.

He was never seen again.

Without either of their leaders, the Hostis Empire fell into ruin, leaving the Seditiosus on top as the Homines forces had been almost completely wiped out after the end of the final battle. Those who survived, barely, eventually died off due to the return of the black plague, but eh, nobody really gave a damn.

Eventually as the world began returning to its old mold, minus one or two nation here or there, and the Allies found the dog counterparts of the once-upon-a-time nations that had lost their lives.

Dog mothers everywhere told their puppies of the Great Allied and Seditiosus forces that had saved their lands and of the war that had made the world as it was.

With that, it was proved that it was in fact a dog-eat-dog world out there and that only the strong could survive.

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><p>AN: Any obvious mistakes I've missed? Liked it? Hated it?Tell me what you think of at my first attempt at Giripan, because that's what this was people. It was better in my head I swear!


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